On Rebirth
I have a secret to tell you…
If you feel like you are dying, it’s because you Are.
But, fear not, this is not the kind of death that you think.
This will be a Spiritual death, not a Physical one.
Wake up, dear one, to the awareness there is a difference.
You are being called to surrender
You are being called to drop down to your knees
And lay down that load you are carrying
To cast your fears and worries upon the King.
In this death, there will be a re-birth.
There will be a resurrection
You will become a new creation
All things will be made clean
But first, you have to stop clinging to the breadcrumbs of that other, diminishing life.
Because in letting go of that thing which you are clinging to so desperately, you will free yourself to open your heart and hands to be filled with the abundance of so much more. The stuff life really has for you. Your true path, even if it’s not the one you wanted. Even if right now, the future seems so uncertain that you cannot see, and it thinking about it often feels like you suddenly cannot breathe.
At the precipice of change, it often feels like we are dying. Because when we look out into the future, there is just… Nothing. Our whole lives, we have always walked with this vision or idea of a path stretched out before us.. and suddenly, the path narrows and there is just blackness. A fence, a wall, a sand dune over which we cannot see the sea. If that sounds familiar, then I have good news for you, friend. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be.
You are likely clinging onto your old life, though I expect it isn’t serving you wisely. Though, I suspect, for a while now there has been a voice inside of you, trying to get your attention (perhaps, desperately). Though I suspect, for a while now, that it feels like everything is breaking. That you can’t keep going. That if you loosen your grip, the whole thing will just slip away, and you’ll be left violently crashing and thrashing through that black void that is nothing, alone, terrified, and crying out into the night.
Oh dear one, have faith. I know that place can be terrifying. But that is what faith is — believing your whole life can change in one moment. That years of suffering can be healed in one surrender, one decision, one whisper to the night. One yielding of your battle, to Know God and accept the call to Christ. To accept that all you see, is not all there is… that you are SO LOVED… and that even before you were ever born, you were KNOWN, and Jesus died for you in loving sacrifice.
It can feel like you’re dying when you let a dream or a relationship die, and there is often real and tangible grief in that. I moped around in my widow’s gowns and burial shrouds for years. All dressed in black, with little black veils attached to little black hats lowered to cover my eyes, and to signal to others that I was in mourning — and to please leave me be.
I was mourning my loss, until I merged with that veil of Grief, and named it Depression. For years, I lived like that, until Depression became part of my identity. Anxiety was her overcompensating sister, who also lived with us, and tried to act like she was useful & helping me. Attached to each shoulder, I also wore two uncomfortable, opaque garments named Guilt and Shame. Every time I tried to pull them free, I was met with resistance and they would start itching and scraping the tender skin underneath.
There will be a day where you come to see that you are not your Grief. You are not your pain. You are not defined by your circumstances. Your identity is separate from your behavior, from what you’ve done, and even from all the things that have happened to you. Your worth and value and identity is an intrinsic, unchanging thing.
There will be a day where you come to realize that there is more life ahead of you.
If you cannot see it now, that’s okay. Just believe. And if you can’t believe… just be curious. One step at a time… one breath at a time. Even if it’s the only thing you do today, all you have to do is breathe.
When I finally allowed the veil in my life to be lifted, it was amazing to see how much it had changed and shaped my (false) reality. Just on the other side of all that grieving was a life worth living, but it took me years to see.
From these ashes, you will rise…and call it foreshadowing, but there will be a day where you Dance on Graves, and look to the sky in waves of worship and gratitude, because you KNOW that you’re FINALLY FREE.
That you’ve been transformed.
Liberated.
Freed.
Sanctified.
Consecrated.
Broken out of Bondage.
And your Heart Song can finally sing.
Amen, sister.
